Good To Be Alive - Official Lyric Video - Jason Gray

A somewhat cheesy video, but the message is powerful: "I want to live like there's no tomorrow, love like I'm on borrowed time; it's good to be alive."  It's almost like an upbeat excerpt from Ecclesiastes.

Tomorrow is not a guaranty.  Goodness - the next hour is not a given.  It is good to be alive, so make the most of the opportunity to enjoy life and love those around you.

Life Changes

What an absolute whirlwind and nightmare - to some extent - of a week.  But throughout it all God remains in control.  Sure, I may be angry about some things and think it unfair that our family now has to run uphill while others get to run downhill, but I still trust God's goodness and faithfulness.

One thing that I've learned/been reminded of is that it is much easier to come to grips with my own mortality and frailty than it is that of my children.  Nothing is more gut wrenching than having to see your child lying in a hospital bed hooked up to monitors.  The good news is that we have a treatable chronic condition (Type 1 diabetes), but treating it requires poking her with needles multiple times a day.  And as you can imagine, that makes her scream loudly and makes me feel like an awful parent.

Wednesday was a normal day for us.  Take E to school in the morning, a full day of work, pick the girls up, head to church for dinner and programming, and bed at the end.  I knew that there was a doctor's appointment the next morning, but did not think much of it.  My wife had recognized some classic signs of diabetes in just 3 days, and I was praying that that would not be the answer.

Thursday started the same.  Let E sleep a bit longer to get some rest, get her up and ready for school, and take her.  I then headed to Belding to meet with staff there, with a meeting that ran long.  I left that meeting to attend a monthly leadership meeting, when my wife called with the diagnosis: Type 1 diabetes.  And she mentioned that they had to go to the emergency room immediately because the pediatrician's office could not read the blood glucose levels because they exceeded their glucometer's range.  I stopped by work, told my assistant, general counsel, and my boss - the C.O.O - that I was leaving for the day and that my daughter was in the ER.  My wife told me to stop home to change clothing, and I was so very much relieved to set eyes on my little one, sitting in her chair in the van.  At that point the intangible and subconscious risk and fear of losing her dissipated.  I grabbed her stuffed puppy whom I kept in my car (I did not have the heart to return it to the store despite instructions to do so) for her morning trip to school.  After quickly changing, we then headed to the ER at the Children's Hospital.

Thankfully the Children's Hospital is nothing like a typical hospital; and this includes the ER.  There was a complimentary valet service that parked the van for us; we were immediately placed in an examination room; within 10 minutes we had a suite and a team of professionals working on our baby.  They explain everything in advance and promise that there will be no surprises, which helped to set my girl at ease somewhat.  The IV that they had to run was a non-issue because they use a topical numbing agent.  Her blood glucose there exceeded their glucometer's range, so they had to send blood to a specialist.  Meanwhile, we waited, looked at books, watched movies, and E got to play with her new puppy, whom she named "Brownie."  The hospital staff included a woman whose job it is to facilitate things for kids and help them feel comfortable.  This included a promise of a toy, at which E beamed and immediately asked for a puppy.  Given the choice between a black one and brown one, she chose the latter and immediately named it Brownie.

My daughter has a lot of pluck and fight in her.  When it was announced that they had to give her insulin via a shot in the stomach, I swear it took 4 of them to restrain her: a nurse, the resident doctor, an orderly, and another nurse.  She was screaming, panting, sweating, and doing everything she could to fight having to have an injection in her stomach.  All I could do, while holding back tears, was to stroke her face and tell her that everything would be okay - they were trying to help her, and her mommy and daddy would not let anybody hurt her.

Eventually we were discharged around 3:00 or so and given instructions to show up at the specialist's office the next morning at 0800.  We stopped by my in-laws to pick up the 2-year-old, headed home, had some lunch and tried to settle in for a bit to restore some semblance of normalcy, had some home-made pea soup, got the girls to bed, read what we could on Diabetes and wrote up questions, and retired, exhausted, for the night.  I had to deliver one of my wife's bills by 5:30, stopped by the office to chance my office status on my email, and then hunted for a movie that E wanted because she did not finish it at the children's hospital: Curious George.  On this point I will note that I adore the fact that she enjoys such simple things and is in no hurry to discard the show for others.  I eventually found the movie at Barnes & Noble, but only after a trip to Meijer, a phone call to another Meijer, and stopping by Best Buy.  And I question whether Will Ferrell's involvement as voice for the Man in Yellow really led to increased sales - I find his involvement annoying at best.  Had it been Tom Cruise I would have likely passed on the movie for something else.

I woke up, made breakfast for E: eggs, cheese, a few berries, and milk.  We prepared for another day with medical people.  Friday would entail more than 6 hours, multiple finger pricks, and a few insulin injections.  There was the standard evaluation, meeting with the doctor for some time, and lots of time with a dietician and social worker.  We had to practice insulin injections on some fake skin, and had to do the finger pricking.  We also received what was dubbed "a master's level course education in a matter of a few hours" regarding carb counting, blood glucose monitoring, how the two types of insulin work, prescriptions, medical equipment, blah, blah, blah.  At one point, despite my fear of needles and in order to show that that the glucometer was not scary, I offered E to prick my finger.  It was not that bad, but I cannot say that I would welcome it 4-6 times a day.  My wife also submitted to the same thing.  We received what may have been a standard pep talk before leaving: you're doing a great job, you're asking great questions, this will not define her but will be part of who she is, this will not limit her options in life in any significant way.  At some point we were sent home, feeling more frightened than brand new parents with a tiny newborn leaving the hospital.  We are now tasked with being our daughter's pancreas, and I don't have many qualifications for the position but for necessity.

We gave her a late lunch, but first had to check BG levels and give insulin for the carbs in her meal before she could eat.  I then left for her school to pick up homework.  It turns out that another little girl there who is just a little bit older than E also has the same condition.  So the school staff, including E's teacher, have a few years of experience with this.  Then it was a trip to the store to pick up some supplies for school - juice boxes, candy, other things in case her blood sugar was too low - and finding out that the doctor had not sent over prescriptions to the pharmacy.  I returned home and my wife accompanied E to a birthday party (now sans the sleepover part for E) while I did something that I cannot recall while my youngest was resting.  I took my youngest with me to the pharmacy three times to pick up the prescriptions (not ready the first time, so told to come back in an hour; not ready when we came back, so told to come back in 15-30 minutes; finally ready but some items were declined by our insurance company while the overall co-pay was $300); we also picked up dinner and got gas.  BG testing and giving insulin did not go much better than earlier, but we go it done.  We then enjoyed our pizza-movie night, allowing E to pick the movie.  Of course it was her new monkey movie.

Saturday was a bit better, but I came to realize that I was laboring under a terrible misunderstanding of the insulin scale and the correction dose.  Had we needed to give a correction dose, I very well may have killed my daughter by giving her too much insulin.  Thankfully her BG has always been within range and we have not had to do any corrections.  So all we are doing right now is giving insulin to offset the carbs in her diet.  But this now requires counting every carb, measuring portions, and calculating exactly how much to give her.  Amazingly, our pancreases automatically beta cells that produce the insulin that is needed to process glucose.  Without insulin, glucose cannot leave the blood stream and enter cells to provide nutrients.  And effectively the cells will starve, but the body will first start cannibalizing fat cells to try to get the energy it needs.  The result of high blood glucose levels is ketone acidosis,

It is now my task to take closer care of my little girl, while helping her to educate herself.  And all the while I am now praying for a cure to this stupid disease.  Apparently they cured it in rats years ago but the cure did not translate over to humans.  So here's praying for a way to increase beta cell production, or to regenerate beta cells, or to stop the body from attacking and killing the beta cells, or to protect the beta cells from the body's auto-immune system.

All I know is that this is quite an unexpected turn in our life journey, but we will continue walking together, encouraging and taking care of one another, and entrusting God with our safekeeping.

Civility, diatribe, and how Romans politicians handled conflict

The recent tragedy in Arizona has resulted in fans of both major political parties blaming the other party.  It has also prompted a call for civility and respect.  While I am all for civility and respect, my suspicion is that wihtout a clear picture of what civility looks like, we commoners will have no idea - that is, outside of saying please and thank you.

Our word civility hails from the Latin civilitas, civilitatis, f., which is related to civilis.  We get our words "civil", "civilized", and "civic" from these terms, which connect the public life and our role as citizens to the concepts of being affable, courteous, and polite.  Not that this gets us very far in understanding what it means to be civil.  Perhaps the other terms offer some insight.  Then again, perhaps they don't.

"Affable" means, among other things, that one is easy to talk to, friendly, polite; courteous suggests that one shows good manners and is polite.  "Polite" merely points us back to courteous and civil, so perhaps this civility is a "you'll know it when you see it" type of thing.

Keep in mind that the same culture that produced this words was also notorious for being less than civil when it came to political disagreements and daily life.  Consider the first two centuries before Christ and the fate of Tiberius Gracchus and his brother Gaius Gracchus, two elite Romans who died while advocating for the plight of the poor.  Tiberius was clubbed to death by a political opponent, while Gaius had his slave kill him when it became clear that his political opponent would slaughter him and his followers - with the consent of the Senate.  Things do not improve much.  Next you have two Roman generals, Marius and Sulla, and their rival supporters.  The solution to their political impass?  Massacres and proscription to silence opponents.  Things more or less follow this course for decades to follow.  Very little reasoning with opponents; might (or majority) makes right; uneasy alliances to secure majority (or might).

So how does this help our country, our citizens, our people?  More importantly, how should it guide our leaders?  Well to start, there will be either feigned civility or no civility if people focus on differences and not on commonalities.  I'm sure you've been in the setting (casual get together, office party, etc.) where there is "the contrarian" who wants nothing more than to argue with people about anything and to tell them why they are wrong.  The contrarian makes everything a debate; usually the goal is not consensus, but to win a few points.  Meanwhile, the contrarian ends up alienating others and setting himself or herself up as the benchmark of orthodoxy.  For instance, talk radio contrarians (whether on the left or the right) have the solution to everything, but do nothing to resolve disputes and seem only to prolong disputes.  Notably absent is any concept that could unite opponents and get them to respect others - at least end the ad hominem attacks and self-righteous proclamations.

Not that this requires us to ignore differences or to minimize serious issues.  But it requires us not to villify unnecessarily and to find consensus where it is to be found.  Then again, this is just my opinion, and you're stupid (or a democrat or a republican or a [fill in the blank]) if you disagree.

A new year and new beginnings

Well, here is trusting that 2011 will be better than 2010!  This will be a year that sees us moving to a new home and me moving to a new job, although the details on the latter remain to be seen: corporate counsel, insurance defense, plaintiff's work, general litigation, or tax and employee benefits.

The family is officially devoid of any real estate - we sold our beloved home yesterday to a wonderful woman who will now be close - i.e., around the corner - to her granddaughters.  Meanwhile, we are on the street huddling together for warmth and burning pine cones.  Okay, not really.  We buy our new (permanent? temporary?) home today and take possession in 20 days, while we are not leaving our current abode until early March.  So February will be a month of cleaning, painting, moving, etc., while January is a month of packing and cleaning.

As for the job, I understand that God is in control, that he loves me, and has a plan for me.  But, as Evan Baxter stated in Evan Almighty, "Could you love me less?"  I have been comfortable for the last 5+ years, doing something that I do well but don't particularly enjoy (how can anyone enjoy being a bank attorney or general creditors' rights - it requires one to ignore the plight of those most directly involved).  But God apparently has other plans, which remain unknown to me.  Nonetheless, it is exciting to see what new opportunities will come along.  More precisely, it is nerve-wracking to be reminded that I am not in control of my own life; none of us is.  In my case, it invovled one person deciding that he wanted me to find a new job, despite the fact that (1) I have been the best performing employee at my level , (2) my employer is making gobs of money on me, and (3) few others share his sentiment.

Alas, if ever there were a time to pursue my resolution to make a positive contribution to the world with my life, to pursue a passion, and to better provide for my family, now would be the time.  Here is trusting that the right door will open in the not-too-distant future.

On the plus note, Lecrae's song God is Enough (http://youtu.be/R2MDKibgsfM) has been an encouragement, though it makes my wife wonder about me.  It is a simple reminder that God is indeed enough.  He provides, he is present, he promises, and he protects.  So when life is scary, it is good to remind ourselves that God is enough, knows of our needs, and promises to provide.

Thanksgiving!

Should be a day devoted to gratitude, which necessarily involves contentment.  Please try to remember today the many things that we have and enjoy and often take for granted rather than focusing on what you "want."  Want stems from discontentment, which is antithetical to gratitude.  People who don't have want they want are usually unhappy people, and unhappy people are usually thankful.

So, focus on what you have and be thankful!

Keeping focus

Life will throw curves at all of us.  It is inevitable; we can and should bank on it.  Whether it is the loss of a loved one, the loss of a job, a decline in health, the Giants winning the World Series, losing money, making money, or whatever else.

These things should not be a surprise - well, perhaps with the exception of the Giants winning the world series in 2010.  We are mortal: we live, we die, and in the middle we do all sorts of silly and unnecessary things that subtract from the quality of life, in my humble opinion.  Or maybe it is just I.  [side note, yes, I insist on proper grammar at times, even when it sounds odd]  For instance, we - by which I mean I - fret about family, career, money, friends, homes, clothes, how to write a witty Facebook posting, popularity, being a good employee/spouse/parent/friend/fill in the blank.  With the exception of relationships and duty, I am of the opinion that the rest is really insignificant in the big scheme of things.

Recently, after some curves, I have come once again to a very simple truth.  That is that work serves certain limited purposes but should never define who I am.  While I happen to work as an attorney, being an attorney does not necessarily define me.  I could just as easily, well after more schooling, be a pharmacist, an engineer, an executive, etc.  I hope to never allow my occupation to trump my role as a husband and father and will not sacrifice my family for career advancement.   Now, I am exploring other lines of work outside of the law (and still keeping open the possibility of practice law), but my hope is twofold: (1) to provide for my family, and (2) to do something that I enjoy.  These are pretty basic, of course, but it seems like the hustle and bustle of life keeps us from the simple things: do something you enjoy; if you don't enjoy it, try to find something you enjoy about it; do it to the best of your ability; keep a positive attitude; provide for family; savor every moment you have with those whom you love.

I've spent 5+ years so far as an attorney and counting.  Much of that time has been spent unfortunately increasing the misery of others - I work for various banks, and people are increasingly behind the economic eight ball.  I sue these people for the banks, try to work with them where I can, sympathize with them, foreclose, evict, repossess, etc.  It's depressing work, which has unfortunately jaded me despite my best efforts to resist.  I always try to remind these people that this too shall pass and would much rather encourage and assist them, rather than the banks.  But then again, banks are people too - or at least they employ people.  Nonetheless, I think that I am now ready to do something other than work for banks.  Hopefully something will turn up that will allow me to (1) provide for my family, and (2) do something that I enjoy.  Beyond that, I am keeping all options open and reminding myself that I lead a very blessed life.  

Initial Random Musings

I've been thinking recently...  what would I do if money were no option.  Assuming that all expenses were covered, how would I spend my waking moments?  I figure that this is as decent a gauge as any to any the question of what job would be ideal.

After all, I want to make a difference and to enjoy what I do.  Endless recreation would become tedious eventually, I suppose, as would simply indulging my whims.  Instead, there would need to be a purpose to which I could commit myself - perhaps some social problem that needs to be addressed.  This would at least allow one to commit to something larger than self.

These thoughts arise periodically throughout my life.  After 5+ years of practicing law, the question remains, "why?"  Sure, I'm making money and providing for my family, but there are countless other ways of doing so - most of which don't involve recording time in 6-minute increments and beating up on others, just to get money.  In short, I suppose that I've come to the realization that I would not be in law but for the following reasons: (1) I am in law right now, (2) it provides a paycheck, (3) I need money to pay expenses.  If I had another way to pay expenses, something that met my needs (not wants), then I would be fine doing that line of work and leaving law behind.

Ultimately, what we do reflects to some degree on who we are and what we value.  Herein lies the problem for me at least.  I value my role as a father and a husband more than I do that as an attorney.  My job allows me to provide for my family, but should it not do more as well?

Hopefully I'll figure it out sometime soon, but for now I'm looking around and no longer enamored of working as a practicing attorney - at least, not where I have been for the past 5 years.  Here is hoping that something comes along - whether it is working at a think tank, non-profit, or simply working for a local business that does not suing people.  After all, it is a bit hard to enjoy the work of your hands when it involves beating up people for lenders and those who have money.